Thursday, December 27, 2012

A year to review...Looking back on lessons learned

I was looking back at my past blogs from this year and it has been a wild ride.  One important life lesson I have learned is the discipline of finding gratitude; even in my darkest days.  After reading Ann Voskamp's book I started writing out my 1,000 gifts or things that I am thankful for.  Little did I know that this would become a major part of my healing.  I started my list on March 29th 2012, little did I know that my life was to turn upside down in the beginning of April.  Tension was building inside of me like a tumor in my chest;  I felt I was going to die or kill myself.

Journal entry from 4-9-12, "Almost admitted to a psych hospital.  I declined admission after seeing what it was like on the floor.  It was awful, I wouldn't have left a dog I hated in that place.  Fear flooded my senses walking around the floor.  I am mourning that my kids aren't here at home with me; they are at our good friends for a night or two.  In great hands they rest.  I didn't think I would miss the noise, giggles, kisses, and hugs so desperately.  Oh to get healthy again together with my family.  Lord may my sorrow rest at your feet."

2 days later I admitted myself into the Meier Clinic.  God had prepared my heart to find gratitude in the darkness of my situation and soul.  Hopelessness was in the process of being replaced with gratitude.
 I had just started the process of writing 1,000 gifts in my life a week ahead of this hard time.

I started with being grateful:
1) Salvation
2) God
3) My husband
4) the bright moon in the sky
5) insecticides (I was really searching for things to me grateful for)

(I'll skip a few here and there to get my point across)

12) My oldest says, "Oh crackers" when he gets mad
13) Happy children
62) Grace
63) Noah- not losing him
64) Jacob- an unexpected gift
97) Job (from the bible) example of not cursing God despite his losses
102) That if you cut off the dead part of a plant it flowers again if not more

(These are things I was grateful for while in my pit trying desperately to keep my life)

107) Butterflies
110) Anger
111) That I didn't spend the night in the hospital
117) Meier Clinic
118) Brokenness- that leads me to something higher than my feelings, circumstances, finances

Though I wouldn't wish this on anyone I am truly am thankful for finding thankfulness in my depression.  My hopelessness has changed into hope and gratitude.  I wouldn't change my life for anything; I am deeply rooted in God's faithful love and secure in Him.  Not just for eternity but for today;  I fight for joy.  I thought being in my pit of depression was the hardest part; rather climbing out, changing, are the harder part.  Sitting in my hopelessness was effortless, yet more damaging.

As I end 2012 I want to reflect on the year; the blessings and the lessons I learned.  

How about you?  What have you learned in 2012?  Comment below...10th comment will win Ann Voskamp's book 1,000 gifts.  

8 comments:

  1. Oh, sweet Alyson, I am so excited to see you are a grace counter too. Keep groping for something to count. It changes perspective like nothing else.
    As for me, I've learned I can't do it all... and that is okay. I'm still loved anyway.

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  2. Oh yes I am a gratitude/grace counter too!! It has blessed me. We can only do what we can do. I love the freedom that you have in that realization.

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  3. I love you my sweet friend. I am so happy to know you and to have reconnected with you. You are an inspiration and a blessing to me.

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    1. Love you to dear friend. Lets talk again soon. Merry christmas and happy new year.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your insights. It IS much easier to just give up and sit..., and I'm so happy that you have chosen to allow God to work in you and to share that with us. I love you.

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    1. Here's to taking hard steps. Love you too.

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  5. Ah yes, Ann's book has changed many lives. So thankful that you are moving ahead. I'm on Holley Gerth's Dream Team with you. So I look forward to getting to know you better. I looked back on 2012 in my blog today. I'd be honored if you checked it out...http://bit.ly/Wcj0X0
    Blessings!

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    1. Yes I would love to check it out and will tonight. And thank you.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson