Monday, December 3, 2012

Just when I thought I would die...

Maybe as early as elementary worry has been a part of my life: "will people like me," "am I smart enough, pretty, likable".  I worried about my mom and her own life issues, friends and their home life etc.  I then began pulling hair and picking at my skin.  These two activities eased a deep ache or anxious thought in me; though only temporarily.  Hair pulling and picking followed me into my adulthood as habits that follow like a shadow.  Now as an adult I realize this struggle of worry was a symptom of my wiring as a "type A" person.  I have always been driven toward excellence...that then lead toward perfectionism, ingraining deep anxiety to fulfill an unfill-able expectation for myself and others.

It didn't just stop here; rather in my early twenties I experienced something that pushed me to the edge of myself; I thought I was going to die!!!

Some of you have felt this...heart beating so hard that you actually feel pain, followed by sweating, light headed, fearful, followed by irrational feelings, rapid breathing that finally spurs many to seek emergency care. In my case I tried to just deal with it and move on; but the "episodes" continued.   My first episode attack was at the Movie "Sea Biscuit," with some of Tyler's friends from PA school.  I had to leave, embarrassment followed.  Many other attacks forced me to get out of our 650 square foot apartment.  Air! Air!  was all I thought as I took the frequent jog down the 4 stories to get outside and just wait till my newly married husband got home from school.

Impending doom set in, shadowing over any hope that was present at the time; I was in my one year nursing program after moving across country, worked full time for the first time, and newly married.  What a messy start.

Other symptoms I've read about or heard others experience are: dizziness, nausea, feeling of choking, numbness, tingling, shortness of breath, tunneled vision, shaking, chills, or many other symptoms. Do you relate?  This is a panic attack!  It is the worst feeling I have ever experienced.  All I thought was that I was going to die or go crazy!! Finally after intermittent episodes I literally ran out of one of my nursing classes to the clinic to get help.

I knew this had to stop or I was going to kill myself.  "I am losing my mind and going crazy,"  I thought.  But God had another plan...

Thankfully this was almost 9 years ago now and I am happy to say that by God's grace Tyler and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this July.  Without being married to a man committed to his vows; to love in sickness and in health we wouldn't have made it.  I have struggled on and off through out our marriage, sadly more on than off through the years.  But we have grown and I am thankful for:

814) A loving marriage
815) Healthier cooping skills with stress
816) Deeper love  and intimacy with my Savior
817) Joy in life- after I have seen death
818) Ability to see the blessings that depression blinded me from
819) Depression- keeping me fully dependent on God


  1. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your life.


Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson