Tuesday, June 5, 2012

As a depressed mama; I am thankful for temper tantrums

Might sound crazy, but I truly am thankful for temper tantrums.  In the moment I won't be shouting out praises; however he is developmentally right were he should be. Let me explain.  For most of my two young boys lives they have had an irritable, sad, and emotionally absent mother.  Not always was I in this state but much of the time.  I would drag myself out of bed at nap times.  As infants I remember having days that I would lay in bed all day, only to get up to change their diaper, eat, and go to the bathroom.  I would just hang out with my new baby in bed and nurse when they wanted.

With my oldest I went back to work when he was around 8weeks old for just a few days a week.  I knew that it was the only thing that would get me moving.  I remember being a mess at work; easily tearful, emotional, etc.   But it felt like it was the only way that I could survive the overwhelming job of being a mom.  I had so much fear that I was going to screw them up that I found whatever opportunity I could to escape.  I was so blessed to have a good friend Christina watch him and then another good friend Deena watch him.  So I knew he was in not just good hands but great hands that loved him too.

So as I type this out tears run from my face.  I realize and admit to these early years being so hard and me being so absent.  I truly believed that I was a bad mom, person, wife, friend, nurse, and the list goes on.  The shame was deep.   I can't remember enjoying either one of my boys first smile, rolling over, etc... But now I do look back and see God's hand protecting them, me, and my husband.

There was one day that if I would have got in the car I would have taken my life and sadly my newborns too.  But God intervened and wants to write a different story in my life and in my family's.

#223 in my list of thankfulness is for temper tantrums.  Why?  Because he is a normal two year old trying to find the limits; where he ends and I begin.  He is finding his separateness, healthy expression of not getting his way.  And as a mom I am more able to set boundaries, be consistent, and enjoy the individual personalities of my healthy, busy boys.


Recently Jacob had a 10 minute temper tantrum at the pool while with a close friend.  My friend called the day after affirming that she has seen a "big change in me."  After that call I experienced tears of joy.  I have changed; and in turn my boys will change.  They will grow up with a healthier mom than yesterday, and hopefully they will feel loved, safe, secure, and free to be whom God created them to be.

Ephesians 2:4-5, "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved."

5 comments:

  1. Love you Alyson!

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  2. Well said Aly! I miss you!

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  3. Monette and Rana, thank you for your love and support. I miss both of you and need to talk with you both soon. This season of mourning is hard but I see the fruit of change. Blessings to you both.

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  4. I too can see the change in you and am so encouraged to see how mighty the Holy Spirit really is in a life. I love you!

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  5. Loeta I love you too and pray for you often.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson