With my oldest I went back to work when he was around 8weeks old for just a few days a week. I knew that it was the only thing that would get me moving. I remember being a mess at work; easily tearful, emotional, etc. But it felt like it was the only way that I could survive the overwhelming job of being a mom. I had so much fear that I was going to screw them up that I found whatever opportunity I could to escape. I was so blessed to have a good friend Christina watch him and then another good friend Deena watch him. So I knew he was in not just good hands but great hands that loved him too.
So as I type this out tears run from my face. I realize and admit to these early years being so hard and me being so absent. I truly believed that I was a bad mom, person, wife, friend, nurse, and the list goes on. The shame was deep. I can't remember enjoying either one of my boys first smile, rolling over, etc... But now I do look back and see God's hand protecting them, me, and my husband.
There was one day that if I would have got in the car I would have taken my life and sadly my newborns too. But God intervened and wants to write a different story in my life and in my family's.
#223 in my list of thankfulness is for temper tantrums. Why? Because he is a normal two year old trying to find the limits; where he ends and I begin. He is finding his separateness, healthy expression of not getting his way. And as a mom I am more able to set boundaries, be consistent, and enjoy the individual personalities of my healthy, busy boys.
Recently Jacob had a 10 minute temper tantrum at the pool while with a close friend. My friend called the day after affirming that she has seen a "big change in me." After that call I experienced tears of joy. I have changed; and in turn my boys will change. They will grow up with a healthier mom than yesterday, and hopefully they will feel loved, safe, secure, and free to be whom God created them to be.
Ephesians 2:4-5, "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved."