Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Back to the 3 P's- an answer a readers question

So after being admitted into the Meier Clinic I lost a month or two.  So in all honestly I am 3 months behind on my Cloud and Townsend Webinar.  I still occasionally think it is still April and then once corrected; my mind then thinks  it has got to be May!   Oh no reality check it's June 19th.  Maybe I need to post a visible calender in my home.  It doesn't help that I am not working anymore, because as a nurse you chart the date maybe a 100 times in one day, making it really hard to forget.

Well I received a question on the blog; "Thank you for sharing :). I do wonder how you have processed the "It's not personal" new truth?" I think this is a really good question and I want to address it further.

Well first here is the reminder of the original post on the 3 p's. "I have been functioning for the past 30 year in what Dr Henry Cloud summarized as the 3 P's.  The the first P - personal; I learned to take everything personal, someone saying no equalled something to the fact that I am a bad person. The second P is pervasive; that all of the things in my life are negative. The third and final P is permanent; that it will always be like this. Under this learned helplessness I have been living most of my life out of control, with a sense that whatever I do there will be negative ramifications. Dr Cloud's advice was to recognize it and ignore it! How wonderful to acknowledge the lie and move on to truth."

This though is easier said than done. In some way's I have learned to recognize that things aren't as personal as I once perceived.  Someones anger may not have anything to with my actions or who I am. Instead, there maybe something going on in that persons own life (ie bad day, hardship, struggles, and the list goes on).  Taking the time to examine what I am feeling and then go back to my thinking, then ask "is that thought true". 

Personal for me was taking external events and making them become who I am instead of just that external events.  Part of this has improved by having good boundaries in discovering who I am...  An example of me practicing this took place just last week.  My oldest discarded submission for rules at his preschool durring nap time.  Imagine an unruly child yelling "no"! Walking around refussing to sit and spitting toward the teacher (well for some of you mom's of strong willed children don't need to imagine too hard.)  Well just a year ago (or a few months ago) I would tell myself, and in all honesty I would believe that "I am terrible mom" or "see just look at his behavior; I am a failure as a mom and I should just quit."  Now I can reconize that these are lies and that I have the choice to believe them or dispute them.  More times now I dispute them not claiming those as truths (ie not taking them as personal).  My oldest (who is almost 5) made some of his own choices, these were not reflections of my personhood. Even if someone had said by looking at the actions of my child and called  me a "bad mom!" I believe that I am strong enough to dispute this as not true, and not take it personal.

Truly it doesn't matter what others think or do to me, whether hardship or trial come toward me...I am learning that my significance is in Christ alone.  This doesn't play out at it's best most days, but I want to live as the Bible describes.  Romans 8:1 has been my daily verse to live by. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Praise Jesus!!

More verses on who I am and you are in Christ:

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

As a depressed mama; I am thankful for temper tantrums

Might sound crazy, but I truly am thankful for temper tantrums.  In the moment I won't be shouting out praises; however he is developmentally right were he should be. Let me explain.  For most of my two young boys lives they have had an irritable, sad, and emotionally absent mother.  Not always was I in this state but much of the time.  I would drag myself out of bed at nap times.  As infants I remember having days that I would lay in bed all day, only to get up to change their diaper, eat, and go to the bathroom.  I would just hang out with my new baby in bed and nurse when they wanted.

With my oldest I went back to work when he was around 8weeks old for just a few days a week.  I knew that it was the only thing that would get me moving.  I remember being a mess at work; easily tearful, emotional, etc.   But it felt like it was the only way that I could survive the overwhelming job of being a mom.  I had so much fear that I was going to screw them up that I found whatever opportunity I could to escape.  I was so blessed to have a good friend Christina watch him and then another good friend Deena watch him.  So I knew he was in not just good hands but great hands that loved him too.

So as I type this out tears run from my face.  I realize and admit to these early years being so hard and me being so absent.  I truly believed that I was a bad mom, person, wife, friend, nurse, and the list goes on.  The shame was deep.   I can't remember enjoying either one of my boys first smile, rolling over, etc... But now I do look back and see God's hand protecting them, me, and my husband.

There was one day that if I would have got in the car I would have taken my life and sadly my newborns too.  But God intervened and wants to write a different story in my life and in my family's.

#223 in my list of thankfulness is for temper tantrums.  Why?  Because he is a normal two year old trying to find the limits; where he ends and I begin.  He is finding his separateness, healthy expression of not getting his way.  And as a mom I am more able to set boundaries, be consistent, and enjoy the individual personalities of my healthy, busy boys.

Recently Jacob had a 10 minute temper tantrum at the pool while with a close friend.  My friend called the day after affirming that she has seen a "big change in me."  After that call I experienced tears of joy.  I have changed; and in turn my boys will change.  They will grow up with a healthier mom than yesterday, and hopefully they will feel loved, safe, secure, and free to be whom God created them to be.

Ephesians 2:4-5, "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved."

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Another Sunday

I feel like I don't have much to say these days.  I feel like i'm mourning a new level of loss and haven't even cleared it out in my own head yet.  Deep rooted emotions that will need some digging to loosen and get cleared out. 

Here in Texas the soil is like clay, rock hard in places.  As I have journeyed on creating my flower bed I have had to dig deep and break it up...But the trick I have found is the more you saturate it with water the easier it is to accomplish the task of gardening. 

My heart is much the same way.  It is too hard to break open with my own strength.  I have pounded it; prodded while working really hard to rid myself of my weeds while planting some beauty.  If you read this blog you can see all the time, sweat, tears, and money I have poured into it.  But the only thing that seems to soften; water and saturate, is the word of God.  Specifically I mean the Bible, God's inspired word. 

Today I couldn't get myself to jump into 2 chronicles, in keeping with my reading through the Bible.  Rather I jumped into Ephesians.  Right in Chapter 1 I am reminded that I am already "holy and blameless in his sight."  How freeing and wonderful; because I am far from the classification of can ask Tyler for confirmation.  But God, Creator of the universe sees me as already holy and blameless and not because of my hard work or attempts at perfectionism.  Further on in verse 18 I am called into a rich inheritance.  Well praise God!!  Because all the earthly attempts I have made for riches come up void.  So I will rest in that today; God's promises.

Ephesians 1:18-20, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,"

(italicized by me)  Happy Sunday!