Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let go...and live like a Daughter of the King

"Humbly let go.  Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears.  Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire.  Leave the hand open and be."
- Ann Vosckamp (one thousand gifts)

How do you let go?... My process has started with external things (ie vacuuming, laundry).  But how does ones heart humbly let go?  Stop trying?  My feelings are strong, raw and painful right now.  And for the first time I am humbly allowing myself to just feel them as just that 'feelings.'  Fully experience them, journal them, talk about them and then look at them and let the truth define what I am.  Letting go off "fixing me" and desiring to embrace who I am in Christ and who He is in me. 

Frankly I am broken (by the way, so are you), I am sinful, emotional, needy, hurt, but also a daughter of a king.  I sign all my e-mails as a daughter of a king.  Daughter of the King  is a more accurate way to put it.  Daughter's of the King don't need to do things their way because as a daughter of a King He has outlined is will for me.  I don't need to fear, just leave my fear at His feet. 

James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anythings." 

This is what I think Ann meant by "Let God blow His wind, His trials..." that in them we have the opportunity to use our minds to consider; not just feel, it pure joy when you, and I face trials of many kinds.  Because God is working something bigger than any terrible situation, ie trial, sickness, loss.  Oh I desire to be "mature and complete, not lacking anything."


God's wind has blown in our life in the last month.  April 23rd is a day that will be in my story.  Hopelessness flooded my heart; feelings so strong that there was no disputing them; so the spiral was in motion.  I was scared of myself; my own feelings that I couldn't control.  I have been here before but I couldn't swim up for air in the flood.  Suicide felt like my only escape for relief from the deep despair in my heart...But God didn't call me home on that day...  Rather I called for help and demanded it!  Tyler and I made a phone call and went down to our local hospital for "stabilization." 

Shame rolled over me as the second wave.  That heavy cold, wet wool coat engulfed my whole body as we called a friend to watch my precious boys, and  then we drove 20 minutes to town.  For the next hour I waited and then was questioned.  Asking things like have you ever tried to hurt yourself or someone else?  Are you seeing things that nobody else sees?  Not comfortable conversation stuff.  The recommendation came for admission, I then asked to tour the floor where I would be staying (both day and night).  The next emotion was fear...there was no way that I was staying there...  Men and women wandering the floor, unsafe!  God's presence seemed far from that place.  Next I said "what do I need to do to go home and be Safe!!" 

In the moment I was thinking: Why God am I here again??!!  I have been here before!  And next I am angry in my shame that I have been here before...drowning...unable to be safe for myself, my husband, and children.  Is this my lot Lord? 

Or am I to go through this trial and mindfully consider it pure joy?  Then grow in faith, and persevere, and then share that He; the King is faithful. 

And I write what I am thankful for continuing on the challenge to 1,000 thanks to One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. I thank God:

111) that I didn't spend the night in the Psychological hospital.
117) that God brought me to the day program at the Mieir Clinic
118) Friends and Family to watch my boys
120) Brokenness that draws me to Christ
136) A Hope and a Future
172) a desire and ability to spend wonderful time with my boys
180) Opening "my hand to be" (today)


To be... Just to experience all my feelings and not allowing them to be all that Aly is.  Rather today I mindfully consider what it is to be a "Daughter of the King," while considering my trials to be pure joy.  Taking off the Shame that I put on myself to be something other than me.

Romans 8:17 "Now if we are children, them we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his suffering in order that we may also share in his Glory."

2 comments:

  1. He is real. He loves you with an everlasting love. Nothing is too difficult for God. Believe. We love you with all our hearts. If we could take this pain from you we would. You are strong in Him.

    Praying for you tonight.
    Mom and Dad

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes he does!! And my desire is to live like it. Love you!

    ReplyDelete

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