Sunday, May 27, 2012

Sunday Verse

1 Chronicles 16:25-27 & 34,

"For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise,
He is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and joy in his dwelling place.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever."

Thank you Lord for being Lord of all, maker of heavens.  You are worthy of praise!  The world and it's circumstances will try to tell me otherwise; but You are good, Lord.  In looking back, your ways have become more clear.  You have refined me through the working of your Spirit in my life.  You are good, even when I don't understand the whys in some of my trials. 

Today's reading from Sarah Young's "40 days with Jesus" says, "As you journey along your life path with Me, refuse to let the past define you or your expectations of what lies ahead... The future is in My hands, and I can do surprising things with it."  Sarah Young's devotional speaks a reminder that God has my future in His hands.  He does not allow my past to define me, not even with the mess of depression.  I will wait for for God's surprises anticipating His goodness. 

Happy Sunday,

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Exposure to my dark Heart

“I lie to myself all the time, but I never believe me.”   S.E. Hinton

Should have...
Could have...
I am defective...
Not good enough...
I am a terrible mom, wife, friend, etc...

These are some of the constant messages I send to myself... Messages of Shame.  Defective thinking contrary to the Truth of who I am.  I have dreams so vivid of feelings of abandonment/  I dream that I am a terrible mom and I wake up; immediately having to dispute those strong feelings. 

How do I undo a thought pattern that is so ingrained that it even invades my sleep?  (It lies deep in the center of who I believe I am.) 

1) I dispute the thought
2) Then fill my mind with truth (ie God's word)
3) and repeat (sometimes a 100 times in one hour)
4) Next I Surround myself with truth tellers
5) Finally pray and ask God to renew my mind

I am learning by God's grace to "rewire" my brain.
Romans 12 :2 "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."  I would challenge that God's expertise is in brain/heart surgery and renewal. 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let go...and live like a Daughter of the King

"Humbly let go.  Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears.  Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire.  Leave the hand open and be."
- Ann Vosckamp (one thousand gifts)

How do you let go?... My process has started with external things (ie vacuuming, laundry).  But how does ones heart humbly let go?  Stop trying?  My feelings are strong, raw and painful right now.  And for the first time I am humbly allowing myself to just feel them as just that 'feelings.'  Fully experience them, journal them, talk about them and then look at them and let the truth define what I am.  Letting go off "fixing me" and desiring to embrace who I am in Christ and who He is in me. 

Frankly I am broken (by the way, so are you), I am sinful, emotional, needy, hurt, but also a daughter of a king.  I sign all my e-mails as a daughter of a king.  Daughter of the King  is a more accurate way to put it.  Daughter's of the King don't need to do things their way because as a daughter of a King He has outlined is will for me.  I don't need to fear, just leave my fear at His feet. 

James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anythings." 

This is what I think Ann meant by "Let God blow His wind, His trials..." that in them we have the opportunity to use our minds to consider; not just feel, it pure joy when you, and I face trials of many kinds.  Because God is working something bigger than any terrible situation, ie trial, sickness, loss.  Oh I desire to be "mature and complete, not lacking anything."

God's wind has blown in our life in the last month.  April 23rd is a day that will be in my story.  Hopelessness flooded my heart; feelings so strong that there was no disputing them; so the spiral was in motion.  I was scared of myself; my own feelings that I couldn't control.  I have been here before but I couldn't swim up for air in the flood.  Suicide felt like my only escape for relief from the deep despair in my heart...But God didn't call me home on that day...  Rather I called for help and demanded it!  Tyler and I made a phone call and went down to our local hospital for "stabilization." 

Shame rolled over me as the second wave.  That heavy cold, wet wool coat engulfed my whole body as we called a friend to watch my precious boys, and  then we drove 20 minutes to town.  For the next hour I waited and then was questioned.  Asking things like have you ever tried to hurt yourself or someone else?  Are you seeing things that nobody else sees?  Not comfortable conversation stuff.  The recommendation came for admission, I then asked to tour the floor where I would be staying (both day and night).  The next emotion was fear...there was no way that I was staying there...  Men and women wandering the floor, unsafe!  God's presence seemed far from that place.  Next I said "what do I need to do to go home and be Safe!!" 

In the moment I was thinking: Why God am I here again??!!  I have been here before!  And next I am angry in my shame that I have been here before...drowning...unable to be safe for myself, my husband, and children.  Is this my lot Lord? 

Or am I to go through this trial and mindfully consider it pure joy?  Then grow in faith, and persevere, and then share that He; the King is faithful. 

And I write what I am thankful for continuing on the challenge to 1,000 thanks to One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. I thank God:

111) that I didn't spend the night in the Psychological hospital.
117) that God brought me to the day program at the Mieir Clinic
118) Friends and Family to watch my boys
120) Brokenness that draws me to Christ
136) A Hope and a Future
172) a desire and ability to spend wonderful time with my boys
180) Opening "my hand to be" (today)

To be... Just to experience all my feelings and not allowing them to be all that Aly is.  Rather today I mindfully consider what it is to be a "Daughter of the King," while considering my trials to be pure joy.  Taking off the Shame that I put on myself to be something other than me.

Romans 8:17 "Now if we are children, them we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his suffering in order that we may also share in his Glory."

Monday, May 14, 2012

When did it start... Perfectionism

I have a tendency to push for that innate?  Maybe as a way to earn something, attain, or fill an empty void that is in each of us? For me it numbs the fact that I can't be "good enough"; but then I try perfection but it is so mistake and then I count myself as scum at times even lower than scum...and the vicious cycle continues...

Why can't I just be human being?  Instead of a human doing... doing all the stuff without "being".  To be okay with my imperfections, allowing myself to be always in need of the perfect rescuer/savior Jesus.   So now I intentionally don't vacuum every day (oh yes I have dust bunnies).  My laundry is backed up, dishes piled, and counters full of all sorts of piles, beds unmade, etc..  I have been trying to vacuum the stairs since is me trying to let go of perfectionism and just be.

I have been playing more board games, more chalk drawings, slips on the slippy slide, and yes it is messy.  I don't do it perfect; and my 2 and 4 year old can attest for my imperfections.  There are lots of sorry's in our house, more laughs, still real tears, and more talking.  It is already paying off.  Not that life is 100% better; rather the way I live it is.  I pray more, trust more and feel more and am more real with those around me; especially with my family. These last few days have been a struggle, but God has answered my prayers and I have seen Him at work.

 Psalm 73:26, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Ginny Owen's - If you want me to

This is the song that has got me through the last month.  I love this song!!  "I don't know the reason why You brought me here?"  I feel that, it resonates inside of me...but "I'm gonna walk through the valley," because this is where I am and that God is sovereign and I will trust Him and His work in me, my family, and loved ones.  Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Monday, May 7, 2012

From Ann Voskamp blog

I am thankful for...
"For seeing how the grass

always grows greener
right where you point the water hose
and that can't be right under your feet
and if you frame things up a certain way
the unwanted
can be these ridiculously wondrous

- Written by Ann Voskamp