Sunday, April 22, 2012

Where I am today...

I find myself with not many words.  But a lot of emotion.  Sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, shame all seeping... no, more like exploding out.  I had my first panic attack in years, it's like your whole body gets involved to try to violently expel all the emotions you have ever buried in your heart.  If you've never had one before you think that you literally are going to die; my heart was beating so hard and fast that it hurt.  Truly I felt I was going to die!! 

So here I am in a therapeutic group in the back of the room trying to stop this from happening.  I grabbed a clonazepam, a gulp, and started breathing (not that I wasn't before) count 3 in 4 out again and again, and again.  Then panic hits in so I find myself popping my hand in the air feeling like a school girl, shame flies in.  Next thing I know I have stopped the group...

So here I am in a day program called the Meir's Clinic, working on getting stable after having a a major back slide two weeks ago into a suicidal state.  But I know the story isn't over there is hope and in Christ I can stand. 

 Ephesians 6: 13-14a 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist...

2 comments:

  1. Just thinking of you. Hoping you are feeling better! Just keep getting back up again. :)

    Lexi (from Westmont)

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  2. Thank you Lexi I am up again and going. Thanks to God's Grace and unrelenting persuit of his people. Love to you

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson