Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Raining inside and out

I am at the computer looking right out the window on to our deck; it is raining hard.  Well actually, we are under a tornado watch (to a born and raised Californian I am scared).  In the same way it is raining in my soul, pouring, a red alert for those around me.  Just like we should take cover from the storm, my poor family has had to take cover from me and random spouts of wrath. 

Strong feelings of anger feel like they are building inside, they tend to seep out as tears, or lashes of hurtful words to those closest around me.  I feel all alone and scared that this is the first step down an old familiar path.  I just thought of a poem that a counselor, Peggy DuTemple, back in Sonora, CA gave me.  I just found it online and it is exactly where I am at right now trying to find a new road, but I tend to return to the old one. 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
Portia Nelson

 1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

this is how my deep hole feels...
 2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

 3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

 4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

 5) I walk down another street.

wanting to fill my pothole with flowers
Maybe I am in chapter 3 again but wanting to stay stuck.  I want to see the pothole and walk around it.   It is hard to learn to walk down a different street.  I have seen the new street at times and walk down it sometimes and I get myself stuck again.  Some times I see something that reminds me of the pit, I get scared, and run back to familiar, the habit. 



I love this picture to the right; it is someones attempt to make flowers out of a pothole.  Maybe I need to fill mine in with some flowers so I can see it and stop falling in.  See it as bright and beautiful and force me to see the good in my life and hunt for that new road and stay on it.  It takes more that a few months to make permanent change.   Today I was convinced that I need to continue to find a more comprehensive support system that wants to build a deep community to help one another walk down a new street.   

3 comments:

  1. Alyson, My heart broke when I read your post this morning. I want to help, I want to reach out and fix something. I have no idea what that something is, nor do I have a clue what "fixing it" means. Instead I will tell you that I am praying for you, for your family, and for anyone else who finds themself falling back into this hole in the road. I will pray as much and as hard as I possibly can, yet I know that even without our prayers, God knows what we need. Like you I do not understand why these struggles exist. All I know is at times like these I hope and pray God is carring you/us as I clearly see only 1 set of footprints in the sand. Please find some measure of strength and courage in knowing that many people are prayng for you! With love & Prayer (Myra)

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  2. Myra- I covet your prayers and trust that God hears our prayers. Please pray for Tyler and the boys too. We love you and your family.

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  3. I don't know if I have done anything wrong this time. I am miserable and I can't seem to get out of this pit.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson