We started the day, got out of bed and found the eggs that the Easter bunny hid. Drank coffee, let the kids get hyped up on candy. Then they asked for more. After being asked for the 20th time if they could have more candy it was time out for them. Showers, and the hustle of getting ready for church on Sunday morning. Only today was different. She looked great. A beautiful dress. It was red, actually if you asked her it was cranberry. Pearl earrings. Great legs. She looked as good as she had looked in a long time. There were so many things she had done in the past months to keep from the road she was going down. From careful medication usage, to daily vigorous exercise, and relationships with others, she was following the plan. Except she was still sinking.
Then it happened, another bout of diarrhea. And she was back in bed. Now all of a sudden it was just me and the kids for Easter services at church. I even suggested that we sit with easy access to the bathroom. It didn’t matter what I said, her decision was made.
That's the trouble with this blackness. It slowly creeps in, bit by bit sucking the life out of you. Until suddenly, one day, you are just a shell and ready to end it all. She told me that this wasn't the first time she thought about killing herself. In fact I recently learned in the first years of our marriage she sat on the edge of our 17 story building and almost jumped. She dangled her feet off. To even get there you have to climb a fence and walk across the rocks on the roof! The blackness inside of her said she was worthless. The only escape would be sleep or death...whichever was easier to attain. It doesn't matter what I said in these moments. In a relationship, a marriage, when you cant talk and hear and feel, there is nothing. No truth, no communication, no hope. I try to tell her about love. I try to talk about our dreams. I try to deal with the kids and let her rest. But it's never enough. That is perhaps the most difficult thing for me to deal with. No matter what I do I can't change those thoughts in her head.
Monday morning the dike broke. The flood of depression overwhelmed her and she said that if she didn't get help NOW then she might end her life.
But God did not allow this to be the end of the story. Nothing miraculous happened except she didn't do it. She did reach out. She fought for her life.
I don't know what God is doing in all this. Why does she suffer like this? There is no reason anymore. No reason for the despair, no “source” can be found. There are no more lingering hurts in the past yet to be dealt with. No current facades in life. She has opened her story to the world. No secrets anymore.
On Easter I sang a song called in “In Christ alone”. This is the last verse:
No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
In Christ alone I can be the husband Alyson needs. In Christ alone I can be the father my children need. In Christ alone I can be the man I need to be. In the power of Christ alone the story continues...
Written by Tyler Jefferson