Monday, January 30, 2012

Hard things when you are not depressed...

Good news I have felt better this last month than I may have ever in my post-pubescent life.  And God' I trust in his goodness reminds me of my dire necessity for him even in these good times.  I tend to begin to trust in man, or a medical drug, fitness, diet, etc for my health.  And God usually graciously reminds me of my need for dependence primarily on Him.  So as I have felt better I am off the lamictial completely, exercising a ton (lost 5 lbs), I've also reached out trying to grow my support system beyond paying a counselor, my husband, and a best friend.  This reaching though has proved risky for hurt and disappointment.  Some of you may think "no dahh," but for me I have lived in an internal solitude for more than half my life and this proved to be asurprise.  I debated about blogging about this...but decided that this is my story... and then proceeded to blog away.

Firstly I have spent 1.5 years at this amazing clinic; and it still is; but none the less my MD was let go by the counselor I see.  Being that I am sure everyone has good reasons for whatever their choices or past decision etc. I was still surprisingly shocked, hurt, confused, scared, and discouraged.  Instead of running down the path of "this last year of MD was a waste, wrong, etc; I am choosing to realizing there were wonderful amazing things that transpired through that clinic to help; the MD still helped me along the way, SPECT allowed me to see there is truly something wrong in my brain, I have been changed greatly by the counseling, more confident, healthy, and balanced.  All of which have contributed to where I am now functioning a better mom, wife, and friend.

Also prior to this discovery, I went against my gut feeling to pray with one of the counselors at my church.  All seemed rosy and wonderful from the point of view of an onlooker.  However, instead of walking away encouraged I walked away with old guilt, shame, and hopeless feelings; non of which was any ones intention.  It was like Satan crawled into my wounds and I allowed him to tear them open again....Ahhhhhahhh.  I am learning to listen to that gut feeling, or quiet voice that is telling me what to or not do. (Thank you Holy Spirit) I thought the best thing would be to write the ladies and the church about my experience with expectation that I would hear something. Well no, at least not yet.  So non the less I am out trying all while experiencing hurt and probably hurting others in my learning process.  Non-the-less I will journey on through this life trying to grow in my trust with God while experiencing a healthier life despite the continued hard stuff...

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson