Monday, January 30, 2012

Hard things when you are not depressed...

Good news I have felt better this last month than I may have ever in my post-pubescent life.  And God' I trust in his goodness reminds me of my dire necessity for him even in these good times.  I tend to begin to trust in man, or a medical drug, fitness, diet, etc for my health.  And God usually graciously reminds me of my need for dependence primarily on Him.  So as I have felt better I am off the lamictial completely, exercising a ton (lost 5 lbs), I've also reached out trying to grow my support system beyond paying a counselor, my husband, and a best friend.  This reaching though has proved risky for hurt and disappointment.  Some of you may think "no dahh," but for me I have lived in an internal solitude for more than half my life and this proved to be asurprise.  I debated about blogging about this...but decided that this is my story... and then proceeded to blog away.

Firstly I have spent 1.5 years at this amazing clinic; and it still is; but none the less my MD was let go by the counselor I see.  Being that I am sure everyone has good reasons for whatever their choices or past decision etc. I was still surprisingly shocked, hurt, confused, scared, and discouraged.  Instead of running down the path of "this last year of MD was a waste, wrong, etc; I am choosing to realizing there were wonderful amazing things that transpired through that clinic to help; the MD still helped me along the way, SPECT allowed me to see there is truly something wrong in my brain, I have been changed greatly by the counseling, more confident, healthy, and balanced.  All of which have contributed to where I am now functioning a better mom, wife, and friend.

Also prior to this discovery, I went against my gut feeling to pray with one of the counselors at my church.  All seemed rosy and wonderful from the point of view of an onlooker.  However, instead of walking away encouraged I walked away with old guilt, shame, and hopeless feelings; non of which was any ones intention.  It was like Satan crawled into my wounds and I allowed him to tear them open again....Ahhhhhahhh.  I am learning to listen to that gut feeling, or quiet voice that is telling me what to or not do. (Thank you Holy Spirit) I thought the best thing would be to write the ladies and the church about my experience with expectation that I would hear something. Well no, at least not yet.  So non the less I am out trying all while experiencing hurt and probably hurting others in my learning process.  Non-the-less I will journey on through this life trying to grow in my trust with God while experiencing a healthier life despite the continued hard stuff...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Floating log- Bobbing up and down with each Emotion

For the last 12 plus years I have felt like a log in turbulent water.  Each emotion was a giant wave that would hit me, becoming all that I was.  I wasn't Alyson; I was "depressed," "anxious," "sad," "lonely," "shy," etc.  I was not just having strong emotions; I was that emotion bobbing up and down with each wave of life, I was always half way underwater no matter what I did.  So I became the feeling; over time I forgot who I was, unable to celebrate joy, or just enjoy life.  Natural struggles to the average person, became who I was.  Now I still experience the emotion but more as someone standing on the shore.  I see the turbulence; some times feel it, but I don't bob up and down quite as much.  I see emotions as an observer- experiencing them and then able to move on more quickly.  Those logs bump into me. Sometimes they try to define me but they aren't who I am anymore  I still struggle with depression but am so much more than just a diagnosis or word.  Rather I am a child of God, Wife, Mother, Friend, funny, organized, and sometimes unstable woman.  How grateful I am to get new perspective, however in the good times I have a looming fear that I may get swept away in the natural turbulence of life again and get tossed and turned like the log again.  I pray that fear won't keep me captive from enjoying the the "Flowers" of my life.

John 16:33. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace." says the Lord "In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I love the word of God. I don't always live by it but I love it.  I was reading in John 6 and was encouraged my a passage that I have read many many times, but not until this season of life did I see the significance of Jesus actions in verse 15.  In setting the scene, Jesus had just feed the 5,000 and the people were amazed.  Sadly amazed by the the miracle not in who Jesus truly was.  Verse 15, "Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself."  Knowing that man's desire was not God's plan he withdrew, but also did it again (italicised by myself).  Stop and pause for a minute.  Jesus withdrew to be by himself... Oh how I need this when the pressures of "I should" do this or that voice "of do more." is so loud; I want to withdraw and be not just by myself but with Jesus.  He had the luxury of being with himself and settling into truth.  I have been practising resting in silence (being a mom of a 2 and 4 year old it comes in only a few minutes at a time).  But I want to silence the plans that aren't of God's plan and rest refocus on what is with the only truth I have found in this crazy world; God, Jesus and the word of God.  So withdraw...I will be this week.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A New year...

The LORD says, “Forget what happened before,
and do not think about the past.
Look at the new thing I am going to do.
It is already happening. Don’t you see it?
I will make a road in the desert
and rivers in the dry land.
Isaiah 43:18-19 NCV

May this be a new year full of joy for you and for me...

Friday, January 6, 2012

Trying to find some gratitude

It just doesn't go away.  I hope for some answers from Dr Kippel on Thursday.  Struggling with extreme irritability with a new medicine Triliptal.  I am going back to Lamictal.  I am getting tired to just throwing drugs at this.  Lord please heal me and draw me close to you... It is so easy to drift away in anger.  

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A season of blooming

It has been's been a busy season.  Much of which was a good distraction from my regular low points.  The flowers have been plenty in my life; you could say they are blooming.

Fall brought tons of falling leaves, which you shouldn't blow after a rain.  Blowing them is like trying to get wet toilet paper off a baby's butt. 2 hours later I at least got them into a pile.  Also make sure you pick up all the dog poop prior to blowing it can turn into a trajectory object!

Fall also brought a new doctor and winter brought my psychologist leaving.  Still waiting on labs with new doctor and will be building trust with a whole new psychologist.  Just found out today that he is just stopped working.  Good reminder to put my trust in God not man; including doctors.

Christmas brought lots of wonderful family, lots of help, fellowship, fun, and breaks from daily life.  We had about 28 people here at one time on Christmas day.  I loved that I snuck away for an hour unnoticed and un-missed from hosting such a large crowd (here's to taking care of myself) something that I would have never dared to do in years prior.  We were also blessed to get away to California to enjoy more family, fun, sun, and laughter.  The flowers in my life are there and blooming; and I have enjoyed a season of being able to more clearly see them.

Matthew 6:28, 31..."And why to you worry about clothes? See how the lilies to the field grow. They do not labor or spin...So do not worry..."