Tuesday, December 20, 2011



I decided when it is around that time; husbands and children shouldn't stay clear.  Rather women everywhere should pack their own suitcase and head to the nicest hotel in town with their bibles, journals, and work out clothes.  As a result there would be more peace on earth.  And is that the desire of many peoples hearts.  No more wives picking that "unintentional fight,"  no more lashing out in a fit of hormonal rage.  Peace! Women everywhere would be far enough away from loved ones to keep their mouths shut and then lower the amount of apologies later.  If we could only pack our bags each month for a few days....as I return back to earth this isn't possible.  I have been reading a book called "jump off the hormone swing" by Lorraine Pintus.  It has proved to be a revolutionary was to love at the uniqueness in God's creation of woman.

Psalm 30:11-12
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed my lips with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks forever.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Dr W

In my regular jeans (you know the ones that just fit right and are super comfy), puma shoes, red sweater and T-shirt, I sit down next to a traditional Texas Woman.  These are the ones that stereo types are made from.  Fancy cowboy boots that haven't touched dirt, bling; earrings, necklace and coordinating bracelet, and perfect hair.  Repeatedly I look at my labs, past medical history, etc. for the umpteen time, completely out of place I look around.  The waiting room is adorned with leather chairs, Botox pamphlets, Texas life style magazines and I feel completely out of place.  The hope that I had walking into the waiting room diminished with thoughts of doubt.  Would this Dr W have any medical hope for finding a cure for my vicious depression cycle?  Was there hope for finding greater health or was I in the wrong place?.  I would have jumped up and ran except for the fact that this doctor got two wonderful references from my psychiatrist and counselor.  I soon found out that he would offer years of expertise that would quickly ease my fears.  Dr W has over 30 years of experience that has lead him to an expertise in healthy living and hormones.  Well that is where this new chapter starts...
First get all the yeast out of my body.  Why?  Lots of reasons which persuaded me enough to do it.  
Secondly tons of labs; probably several hundred dollars worth all on day 18-21 of my cycle, which of course falls on Christmas weekend.  No promises were made but I feel a glimmer of hope that there is some additional relief from 3-5 days of each month of me feeling suicidal.  I think the best thing I have done the last few months is to recognize the cyclical moods I have related to my menses and pull out a calendar.  Now to find a lab that is open the day after Christmas...

Friday, December 9, 2011

A process

Quote I found that represent how I feel some days:
Depression isn’t just something you can “snap out of.” I think people find depression as some sort of personal weakness, and that people with depression just have to be more grateful or positive. They might get a lot of “your life isn’t that bad, it could be worse” speeches, but that’s not just what depression is about, and it definitely isn’t that easy to get over.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Lonely Journey

Sometimes the journey is one in which you walk alone.  People don't know what to say.  It's almost like people think get over it already.  I know that it is just an assumption but just the same it is hard.  And if people do want to walk with you they get frustrated with fall backs, wanting to just fix it (as if I don't).  I know I am venting and so I am praying for a genuine support system of friends that are real with their own struggles. 

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”—Joshua 1:5 (NIV)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Listen to your body...

Well I am not crazy....well we all are a little bit...
But I have fully confirmed that my depression and anxiety has something to do with my hormones.  My husband said. "I could have told you that."  Well I am now convinced, and convinced that modern medicine should offer some help.  Every 28 to 30 days I spiral down the slippery slide, into the dark pit of depression, loading on more guilt and shame of why can't I just get this right...Well I have learned a few things this time; I was grumpy, but apologized quickly to my loved ones (and grumpy maybe an understatement), I hit the gym and the ground with my running shoes, and quickly disputed those false thought that infiltrate my mind without warning.  So in combo with the findings of the SPECT scan, new teaching from Steps, 1 1/2 years of great counseling, and that I now acknowledging the hormone component; I feel like I am still one step closer to greater health.  I am going to listen to my gut and get all my hormones tested and yesterday I would have scheduled a complete hysterectomy.  Thankfully I have my head on a little straighter and will wait to schedule a hysterectomy until I examine all of this further. 
Photo by Wendy Westcamp
So many times I just wanted a quick fix and really listened to whoever had answers.  Here are the list of have tried:
  • food sensitivity tests
  • gluten free diet
  • Rapid Eye Movement therapy
  • Endocrinologists
  • Psychologists
  • SPECT scans
  • Multiple counseling years
  • Bible Studies
  • Step Study
And I still struggle...Just this week I had to dispute suicidal thoughts for three days.  I know they are irrational but they still come and frighten me.  I fear that just once I will make a stupid rash decision that will ruin my life and my family's.  So here is the good news I have learned a lot even from some of the things on my list, and I wont give up.  This time I am listening to my body and getting it checked by someone good.  Now to find a good doctor to check me out medically, hormonally, and genealogically.  Pray for a good team of Doctors.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Christmas Tips- From Women of Faith

10 Relationship Tips for the Holidays

C – Center your heart on the deeper meaning of the holidays. This will help everyone become easier to get along with because the heart of the holiday will remain intact.

H – Hear what your friends and family are voicing as their stress, and listen carefully to them—a gift that will lower their stress.

R – Reach out as a family to help others in order to keep the proper perspective on what is really important in life.

I – Invest in memories, not material goods. Make time for family baking, tree decorating, or board games.

S – Speak your love in words. The best gift you can give is for a person to hear their value and worth from your lips.
T – Take time for romance. The greatest gift you can give your children is a happy marriage.

M – Make time to reach out to extended family. Visit or call grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
A – Assume nothing; ask those who are celebrating with you what their expectations are, and communicate the plan clearly so people feel informed.

S – Stay flexible. Don’t be a Christmas boss, ordering family around. Instead slow the pace, gather consensus, and give options so that you create an environment of connecting and sharing.

Excerpted from Simplify Your Holidays © 2008 Marcia Ramsland. Published in Nashville, Tennessee by Thomas Nelson. Used with permission. All rights reserved.