Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My journey didn't just begin

I should have seen it coming.  Dark thoughts about how awful I am as a person haunted my mind since before I can remember.  I thought it was just normal to think that I am not worth anything, faulty, and not important.  All of which predisposed my big D (depression).  Some call this low self esteem I would argue that I felt shame. 

Shame is that awful feeling of an ice cold wool blanket draped around your shoulders; a chill you just can't shake that goes all the way to the bones.  It is more than a emotion rather it is a state of who I thought I was.  I made a lot of assumptions about my self based on others struggles around me.  I don't know where I heard it but the word "assume" make "asses out of u and me."  At a very early age I took upon myself a burden I wasn't suppose to carry and if my attempts of perfection failed my shame increased all the more.  To off set the deep feeling of shame and  failed perfectionism I began to numb my feelings by hair pulling and picking at my skin for hours.  All of which would plummet me deeper into my own shameful feelings of ugliness and defectiveness. 

A skit my youth group (at Grace Christan Church in Long Beach CA in the 1990's) did for evangelism involved a man caring a heavy burden in the form of a back pack.  He  carried around in deep distress, while looking for anyone to take it away.  Ultimately Jesus after his Crucifixion carried this mans burden and he ran around free.  And then he went back to praise Jesus.  I hope I explained the skill well enough for you to get a vision. 

Anyhow the skit illustrates part of my shame.  My shame was and still is my heavy backpack that is still on my back.  I have been saved (John 3:16), however I give him some of the things in my back back, but I have developed such a habit of putting shame back on usually from assumptions and failed attempts of perfectionism.  Some times I set the backpack down for a few hours or just take a few things out.  My prayer is to take it all out and rather lay my shame down in exchange for God's truth daily, hourly, and maybe even every moment during the day.  My windows, mirrors are starting to be adorned by scriptures of God's faithfulness and promises.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson