Monday, October 31, 2011


"Writing is the act of reaching across the abyss or isolation to share and reflect."- Natalie Goldberg

Why write or in this case blog about something that I don't want to discuss with everyone?  I think it allows me to share honestly about depression without someone openly judging or immediately giving me advise.  I am the only expert about myself, from my perspective that is...  It has been good to openly express some of the deep dark struggles that a "good Christan woman" shouldn't.  I have been told to "pray more," "confess my deepest sins," "seek God harder"  and it will all go away.  Well I am on my knees pleading, petitioning, confessing, and seek God more than I ever have.  Maybe that is where God wants me...No I don't think that is my final story...

Friday, October 28, 2011

My weeds...

 Some things are just weeds in my life that I just can't keep up with.  Two tangable ones are dishes and laundry.   Dishes are one of the never ending work of a mother of two boys.  My oldest just needs a few more inches to help with them.  It's amazing how it can start feeling so overwhelming that they pile up so fast.  I feel like when I have a good day it is easy to keep up with the daily tasks of life.  It's been a hard day. 
 I think any mom of preschoolers call relate with the sippy cup invasion and plastic bowls that have been used in many unmentionable ways. 

 At least these dishes are clean and maybe tomorrow they will find their way to the cabinets.  Is there a magic fairy that comes at night?  If so I would clone it and sell it to all the mom's in the world for a mere $10!
Finally my biggest nemesis is laundry.  For years I would only hire babysitters that would fold all the laundry after the children went to sleep.  It was worth 2-3 more dollars an hour to have someone attack the pile on the counter of clean clothes. You know that it is a good day when all the laundry is at least folded.  Put away... well that is another day of blogging. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Words and smiles can be so deceptive.  I posted this wonderful "saved for a bad day" message on Sunday about the challenges of Children.  In essence it is true, but not truly where I was on that day.  That was the second time in a year where I thought and planned on ending my life (yes suicide).  No longer would I burden my husband, our finances, our children, and miss represent the Loving God and Father that I represent.  He also has said no to healing me from my depression at this time.  Gratefully I have a support system that reminded me of the truth and that an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean would be cheaper than getting admitted to a psych hospital.  I am waiting for those "plane tickets" still : )  Anyhow I have acknowledge that changing medications that work on your brain aren't for the faint of heart.  I go up and down for a few weeks prior to seeing if they are "helping."  Some times those weeks feel like eternity, many moments of watching life go by.  None the less I am on this journey and to God be the glory.  May my messy emotional life point all the clearer to a perfect savior that wants to redeem even the most sinful or broken people.

FREE redefined....
F- Faithful
R-Redeemer  I am..
E-Expecting his full redemption

Till his full redemption in my life I am going to pray Ephesians 6 for the full armor of God's protection and keep looking for flowers in the murk of life...

Monday, October 24, 2011


Grace- a new gracious definition...

G- God
R- Redeems
A- All
C- Crazy
E- Emotions

Daily Bread

Proverbs 30:7-9

"Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread. 

Otherwise, I may have too much and may have to much and disown you and say,
"Who is the Lord?"

Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God"

This is the first time I have read this verse in it full context in the Proverbs.  I have only heard "give us our daily bread" in the Lord's prayer.  After reading this at the gym I so resonated with Davids desperate plea "do not refuse me before I die." This is exactly how I felt yesterday, desperate for his intervention to my dark thoughts of hopelessness.  Then I pray that the "falsehood and lies" that run through my head go "far from me."  Rather Lord I need you I am in desperation.  Rather than running to the World for false fullfillment and dishonor the name of the Lord or disown him.  I am going to pray for his daily bread in regards to my depression.  In his transforming power for enough so I continue to need him. 

I am also going to daily praise God for the science of the three pills he has given me to help regulate the chemistry in my brain.  I returned to my higher doses.  Deciding I'd rather be bald and happy than depressed and have tons of hair.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Oh boy

Oh boys. Ever been a mother of two you can totally understand. Never thought I would spank till I had them. You get pushed beyond what you though your limit was and the just a little further. The only way I can parent and stay some what sane to plead to the Lord for strength and endurance to do his work as a mom each day. Romans 8:31b for if god is for us who can be against us. This includes our toddlers and preschoolers. God be for me let not those things, people, schedules try to be against me today.  

Saturday, October 22, 2011

From My utmost for His Highest

Individual Discouragement and Personal Growth

. . . when Moses was grown . . . he went out to his brethren and looked at their burdens —Exodus 2:11
Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After he launched his first strike for God and for what was right, God allowed Moses to be driven into empty discouragement, sending him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared to Moses and said to him, ” ’. . . bring My people . . . out of Egypt.’ But Moses said to God, ’Who am I that I should go . . . ?’ ” (Exodus 3:10-11). In the beginning Moses had realized that he was the one to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in his individual perspective, but he was not the person for the work until he had learned true fellowship and oneness with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and yet when we start to do it, there comes to us something equivalent to Moses’ forty years in the wilderness. It’s as if God had ignored the entire thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged, God comes back and revives His call to us. And then we begin to tremble and say, “Who am I that I should go . . . ?” We must learn that God’s great stride is summed up in these words— “I AM WHO I AM . . . has sent me to you” (Exodus 3:14). We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for Him— our individuality is to be rendered radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that He may be “well pleased” (Matthew 3:17). We are focused on the right individual perspective of things; we have the vision and can say, “I know this is what God wants me to do.” But we have not yet learned to get into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a time of great personal growth ahead.

A wonderful blessing of a friend sent this to me.  Wonderful and encouraging friends are a gift from the Lord!!

 Hoping for some water and life in the desert. 
One picture photographed my me and the following my husband. 

Friday, October 21, 2011


Jeremiah 17:5-8

Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord

He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought adn never fails to bear fruit.

Is trust in God enough?  Most times in my life I have acted like it is not, rather I have trusted in others and myself.  To which I have found myself broken and empty.  Not intentionally I have turned from the Lord.  My spirit and psycological self has felt like I am in a wasteland, parched and thirsty.  Though I knew God since a child I didn't have roots in him.  I was slave to my own desires while trying to allow God to master my heart.  Both in Mathew 6 and Luke 16 there is reference to the impossiblity to serve two masters (money and God).  I would suggest that I can't allow "man" to master me and the Lord.  They conflict with God's design laid out in the beginning (Genesis).  Are you trying to serve two masters?  Is it working?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Patient Trust

Patient Trust

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God. 

We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We would like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new. 
And yet, it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability -
and that it may take a very long time. 
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually - let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste. 
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time,
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow. 

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Monday, October 10, 2011


So I have been on the Lamictal 3 weeks now and I feel "blank."  Like; where did all my thoughts go...  That strong fighting drive of survival for each day, while combating each awful thought is gone.  "Isn't that a good thing?"  My answer is yes and no.  I have more positive thinking but at the same time lost some of who I am.  Characteristics such as passionate, creative, and driven.  My husband would disagree.  I have asked him to blog some about his experience living with a woman with depression.  He states that he has already seen such positive changes in my mood and ability to get things done and that I am more engaged with the children. 

I am still extremely tired and could easily sleep 10 hours at night and 2 during the day if only my stage of life would allow it (ie two busy wonderful children).  Back to the title of my post "blank;"  I have been trying to write for three weeks now and feel like now I have no words.  I can only write facts about life, no feelings.  It's like part of me is lost... I even feel that God is silent.  No conviction or encouraging thought from the Lord.  It is lonely in my head...maybe this is just new and good benefits will continue to manifest themselves. 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

My Scan

 Well here are my scans....  I have three areas of increase activity.  Left temporal lobe, basal ganglia, and anterior cingulate gyrus.  It's a funny feeling going into this appointment.  You want something wrong, but not to wrong.  Kind of counter conflicting feelings.  If I had nothing wrong then I would just think I was crazy, and then if something is really wrong then I guess they should lock me up in a padded room. 

Well I got my wish some things were off but not terribly.  Much of which we assumed was correct.  The circled areas increase anxiety and I was on a medicine that people more anxious.  So off I wen from the Wellbutrin. While increasing my Lexapro.  And the next medicine I am taking calms the Basal Ganglia and Left Temporal Lobe is a anticonvulsant, Lamictal.  If anyone looks up Lamictal; I will already answer the question no I don't have Bi-Polar,just major Depressive Disorder, Moderate, Recurrent, and Generalized Anxiety with Panic.  Good Times!! (note the sarcasm)  So here I go with changes for increased health. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Brain- SPECT Images

Amazing Facts of your Brain: From the Clement's Clinic

1) The Brain is the most complicated organ with over 100 billion cells

2) The Brain controls how you think (brain not right thinking not right)

3) The Brain controls how you feel

4) The Brain controls how you act

5) The Brain can Change (love that one)

6) It important to know how it works

7) Certain areas of the brain are associated with emotional, behavioral, and learning problems

8) Brain injuries can impact brain function

So why SPECT scan?  I have been battling with Major Depression, Panic and general anxiety for 10 plus years.  With multiple different medications, dosage, therapy, counseling; I still have major episodes that are so debilitating that I am unable to function as a Child of God, wife, and mother.  So as a family we decided to take a look at the functioning of my brain.  I had to be off caffeine, chocolate, and anti anxiety pills for several days proceeding my test. 

Straight off the "SPECT is stands for “Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography.” It is a sophisticated nuclear medicine study that measures the cerebral blood flow and activity patterns of your brain. It utilizes a radiopharmaceutical to create images of actual brain function by identifying blood flow patterns throughout the brain."

The images from my study have assisted my doctor in making a more accurate diagnosis and treatment plan for me.  The idea to “see” the areas of their brain that are contributing to my symptoms has already given me a much better understanding of my condition and validation I am not "crazy."

Below is a picture of a healthy Female brain between the ages of 28 and 37.  So not my actual brain images.

Monday, October 3, 2011


The time that I find myself the most truthful is while I am running.  There is something about pushing yourself beyond what is comfortable or even enjoyable that make me positive and encouraging.  You can't run while repeatedly saying you can't do it, your a failure, etc.  It clears your mind and gives you insight.  For me I am convicted and think clearly without any distractions.  But I have to get past the pain of getting started.  Any runner or any caliber knows to what I am talking about.  So may I run on, giving my negative thoughts a break, while pushing on to clarity.