Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Cover

What do you do to try to cover or appease discomfort inside your self ?  That discomfort can come from guilt, hurt, pain, sin, abuse or in my case it is shame.  Shame as defined by a packet that my counselor gave me early in my counseling is  "a painful belief in one's defectiveness as a human being.  It is more than a feeling.  It is a set of physical responses combined with predictable actions, uncomfortable thoughts and spiritual despair."  Shame is false and extremely uncomfortable; to put it lightly.  I try to appease that feeling by perfecting myself, sadly many times costing others or by picking my skin or pulling my hair.  But for this post I will address my physical attempts for perfection as a cover for my intense feelings of shame.  Some of my covers, for instance are...spending too much money on facial care to become more beautiful, expensive hair cuts and products, perfect garden, and new outfit...the list can go on and on. My attempts to deal with those painful feelings may work for a hour or two, but then they lead to lies, debt, and guilt.  I try to promise myself I won't do it again, but I do.  Maybe not as frequently as the past but it still occurs and the shame is still waiting for me when the purchase is revealed and the confession is made. 

Tonight I realize that I can't take away my shame, but I can confess it.  First to the Lord and then to those in which my attempts to cover it hurt (in this case my husband).  I don't want to lie and spend above our means.  Rather I want to take my shame and call it lies.  Truth is "For you (Lord) created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13  I confess get again that I believe lies that "I am defective, not good enough, worthless, broken."  Because yes in fact I was but (I mean BUT) Christ!!  He took my sin and shame and it got nailed to a cross so that I might be forgiven and set free. 

My developed survival skills to combat shame are buying things.  It has become my defense minimizing my immediate pain without looking at what is true.  I know that I am not strong enough to make a change but I will continue to preach the gospel to myself knowing that in Christ alone with the power that can raise the dead.  I can face the shame and not cover it with more problems.  I chose to replace shame with truth, honor, self-worth, and God's word.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson