Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day one...sharing my journey through the weeds of depression

Maybe I don't need to catch you up especially since no one is reading this... 

am starts with a morning wake up call with two busy boys.  I don't think I have set my alarm in almost 3 years thanks to their internal clocks that go off within minutes of the previous day.  Then I take my welbutrin, synthroid, cytomel, one of the three omega 3 vitamins and then it is usually followed by a clonasapam even before I can take a shower.  Everyone says taking depression medicine is like taking your Blood Pressure pill, you just do it and then don't think about it again.  But it is so very different.  I take a medicine to help me with those suicidal feelings that always seem to be just a few thoughts away.  They (aka depression meds)  then have a gamut of side effects: weight gain, decreased libido, nausea, flat emotions, and not to mention all the other side effects in the RX insert.  Reading it would scare any suicidal person into actually doing it.  Well  then around noon I am so frantic surviving ( I mean SURVIVING) I take another clonasapam to just make it till my husband comes home.  Then night comes and then I take Lexapro, 2 omega 3's and a clonasapam to go to sleep.  Well as you can see my system of mental health isn't exactly working for me.  I have had 3 weeks of major depression again.  Hard to know what number episode this is since it has been going on for well over 8 years so far.  So this is my journey but not my story...I have hope...sometimes as thin as a thread to hold on to.  I am doing a SPECT scan on Tuesday with hopefully a new plan also starting a support group.  So these are my weeds  and my journey; all the while I am looking for some flowers. 

2 comments:

  1. Hi Alyson,

    Ok here's my second try to leave a comment....the devil deleted my first one. ;) But my God is bigger than him so here I go.
    I really don't know where to start or what to say, but I know that God brought me to your blog for a reason.
    I know the enemy depression all too well. Mine started with post partum. I didn't know what it was at the time. I've never been around depression or experienced it. So I just thought I was going crazy. :) It wasn't until I read a magazine article (of all things) on depression that I figured out my "crazy" had a name.
    I never had to use meds, so I can't relate to that part of your story, but I know how it feels to just go to sleep and not wake up. To just want to have peace.
    So I did the only thing I knew how to do.... I started to pray. I prayed with every step I took...it was the only thing that got me through each day, each moment. It got me to the healing place. And when I say I prayed....I mean I was so dependent on God for each step that some days I would literally fall on my knees...face to the floor....weeping, and crying out for His help. So please know that I will be praying for you...EVERYDAY. You can find peace, you can get better....you WILL get better.

    Love in Christ,
    Tracey
    <><

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  2. Good morning Alyson! You've been on my heart this morning. I wanted to share some verses of encouragement with you.

    "I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps." (Psalm 40:1-2 NKJV)

    Psalm 138:3 "In the day when I cried out, You answered me, And made me bold with strength in my soul."

    Psalm 143

    Hope this helps you today.

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Thank you dear friend for stopping by. Please leave a message or question; look back and I will reply. Thank you and God bless, Alyson